A signature from a judge.  That is what I'm waiting on.  A simple piece of paper that says I am no longer married to whom once was the love of my life.  Sad how easy it is to end something that was supposed to last forever.  

My friend asked me the other day "You can always change your mind?"  I quickly texted back with "Nooooooooo"  It was that quick too.  I didn't even hesitate.  It was then that I realized this was it.  I didn't want to go back to where I was.  I remembered what it was like to not be me.  The real me.  Nobody to hold me back any longer.

But why so bitter?  I am so bitter that it kills me inside.  Broken promises you see.  Thirteen years ago I went into a relationship with someone I thought I knew very well.  We discussed the typical things that you do when you're dating, you know...you talk about your dreams, your plans for the future, etc?  Where you see yourself in 10 years, those sort of things.  Apparently I learned many years later that our dreams and plans for the future were much different.

The point is, I wanted kids.  He wanted kids.  Plain and simple.  It was a never ending battle of when and timing etc.  There was always an excuse.  Year after year, one reason after another.  Truth be told....apparently he didn't want kids.  Never actually.  Broken promises.  I am resentful.  I hate him for taking that one thing away from me.  Wasted years.  Are they wasted?  I don't know.  That sounds harsh.  There was love there at some point I'm sure of it.  If there wasn't, then it wouldn't hurt this bad.

I'm not sure really where I'm going with this.  I know this.  My mom wasn't here on this earth long enough to see me have children.  She did however leave treasured items for us girls and the grandchildren.  Even mine....assuming that one day we'd have them.  A tote......a tote full of baby stuff for when I have a child someday.  It's see through and I can see inside of it somewhat.  A glass piggy bank full of change, something crocheted, a couple of rattles, a blanket and even a few bibs.  I've had this tote since October 2006.  I have yet to open it.  I keep lugging it with me wherever I go.   When I see it now... I can't help but to just see broken promises.


 

With my divorce coming to an end rather quickly I'm having second thoughts as to if I want to go back to my maiden name....you would think it would be simple.  Get divorced, drop the married name to move on with your life and get back to your old name.  ...yada, yada, yada.  Here's the tricky part...I'm not sure I want to go back to "Draper" either.  Why you ask? Well let me tell you without going into a ton of details.  

My dad and I don't talk.  We haven't spoken in almost 13 years. I don't talk to anyone on that side of my family actually.  I don't even know where half of them are.  The name "Draper" can bring back some memories that I choose not to relive.  My dad did some things that are really quit disturbing and it's almost like giving him that part of his self worth back if I take his name again. I know it sounds weird or maybe it doesn't.  It's a feeling I have...like "you don't deserve to have your daughter have your name again, you buried that hatchet a long time ago" sort of thing.  

Then obviously with "Bicket" I don't want that name either.  I don't want a constant reminder of who I married and who I divorced.  Had we had children then perhaps it would be different. I'd want the same name as my kids but we don't so scratch that.  I also don't want the "oh which Bicket do you belong to?" question 100 times a year. Trust me. It happens.  

This is all leading up to a conversation I had with one of my best friends Melissa. Yes, even this Melissa has a nickname. I call her Mel #1. Growing up in high school she was typically Mel #1 because she was born before me, I was Mel #2 and well since we have the same middle names too (Ann) it was easier to just distinguish us that way. Mark aka "Funky Bunch" nicknamed her "Fruitchew" to go along with my "Starburst"  HA!  Ok, kind of off topic I know.  Back to what I was saying. I jokingly had told her about a month ago that I was going to change my last name completely to Porter. In fact, I told another friend that too, but I was kind of being silly about it....then Melissa says to me this weekend. You know, I put "Draper" back in my phone instead of "Bicket" and I didn't like it so I moved it back.  I'm now testing out "Porter" and I kind of like it.  Oh geez.........

As I'm sitting at work today I decide to check my gmail account...and as much to my surprise an email had came in from Tough Mudder (TM). I had been waiting in anticipation as to when we would find out exactly where TM will be held.  We knew it was going to be near Chicago but we didn't have a definite location until now....

Subject line: Chicago 2013 Tough Mudder Venue Announcement.  

Where might you ask? 

Seneca Hunt Club
1 West Union Street
Seneca, IL 51360 
Click here if you want to see a map

Wait...let's back up a minute.  Back in September of 2012 I ventured out to Cascade, Wisconsin with Team X-treme to take photos of this crazy adventure and man oh man did we have some good times.  I have never felt such a sense of teamwork and camaraderie in a group.  It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it all over again.  I got to spend an entire weekend with people that inspire me, motivate me, who are my friends, and people that I love.

Luckily for me that whole weekend was a huge eye opener for me.  I think I had a few breakthroughs about my own personal life while I was out there on this trip.  In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it might have been a life changer for me and I didn't even partake in the obstacles.  I think I had my own obstacles to overcome....and really I'm not sure if I could have done that had I not taken this journey.  I would say short of watching this awesome team tackle some crazy things, spending that day with Mark and taking care of Juan and Angela's little girl Isabella was one of my highlights of the trip.  

There are plenty of photos from that TM that would take up this entire blog and then some but one of my favorites is above. Yes - that one.  There you will see a group of guys helping their fellow teammates out and those facial expressions should really say it all.....

Anyways... now that I've cleared up a little bit about where I was going with this post I'll get back to it.  I don't think that it had really set in yet that I was doing Tough Mudder - Chicago.  I mean, yes, I registered, way back this Fall and I knew what I was getting myself into....or did I?  I think today when I saw the "actual" spot on a map I suddenly lost those goosebumps and got butterflies in my stomach.  Lots and lots of butterflies.  It's January 16th people.  That means I have exactly 4 months and 2 days to... well....pretty much be amazing.  I don't even know if that is feasible at this point and I'm starting to freak out a little.  Ok. Not a little.  A lot.  I'm starting to FREAK OUT A LOT!!!  Can I do this?  Will I do this? Again...WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?  Is 4 months enough time for me to be physically ready to tackle a 12 mile obstacle course?!?!?  Just in case I wasn't clear on what exactly Tough Mudder is....take a look below at the video from the Wisconsin event that Team X-Treme was at.

Crazy right?!?!?!  Yeah I'm thinking that as well....oh did I mention that it's probably the toughest event on the planet?  Well it kind of might be....YIKES!

to be continued...............

I know....it's a quote.  Imagine that?  I'm sure there are a lot of you that often wonder why I post as many sappy posts on Facebook as I do and honestly, I wish I had a better answer but truth be told....it's a way of healing for me.  There are times when I don't know how to express exactly what's on my mind and I find that others can say exactly what I want but in a much more direct route. See?!  Look how long it took me to just explain that.....jeepers.

I'm already sidetracked as to what this post was about.  Oh yes - I remember....this past Saturday in between my workout and testing for the next 10 week Farrell's group I was approached by Keith a fellow FXB'er.  At first it started as general conversation as to "hey, how have you been etc.?" but quickly turned to Keith giving me some of the most sweetest compliments that made my heart melt.  You see, I really haven't had many "fatherly" figures in my life ...considering I haven't spoken to my own father in nearly 13 years, so I tend to listen more when I have people such as Keith talking to me or giving me words of encouragement.  It wasn't like this whole long list of things about me that he loved, it was a simple comment about how he tells people about me all the time.  About how I come through the doors day in and day out and push myself to every level I possibly can and that nobody is there to judge...and as I slowly move from the back row on occasion he sees a sense of confidence.   He says "You know Melissa, I see your pictures on Facebook, you are beautiful, just beautiful and you have a smile that lights up a room.  I just love that about ya."  I mean I'm not sure I can get much more of a confidence boost then I did at that exact moment in time.

Here's the funny thing though, if you know Keith at all you know that he can be quite the jokester.  Trust me on this, don't let the "sweetness" fool you.  If you ever catch him around on Facebook he's usually picking on Mark. AKA Funky Bunch.  :)

Point of my post is that I ran across this quote on more than one occasion, and it's people like Keith that remind me that I'm doing exactly as this quote says..."surround yourself with positive and inspiring people and reap the rewards of a more positive and inspiring life."  Isn't that the truth?