A signature from a judge. That is what I'm waiting on. A simple piece of paper that says I am no longer married to whom once was the love of my life. Sad how easy it is to end something that was supposed to last forever.
My friend asked me the other day "You can always change your mind?" I quickly texted back with "Nooooooooo" It was that quick too. I didn't even hesitate. It was then that I realized this was it. I didn't want to go back to where I was. I remembered what it was like to not be me. The real me. Nobody to hold me back any longer.
But why so bitter? I am so bitter that it kills me inside. Broken promises you see. Thirteen years ago I went into a relationship with someone I thought I knew very well. We discussed the typical things that you do when you're dating, you know...you talk about your dreams, your plans for the future, etc? Where you see yourself in 10 years, those sort of things. Apparently I learned many years later that our dreams and plans for the future were much different.
The point is, I wanted kids. He wanted kids. Plain and simple. It was a never ending battle of when and timing etc. There was always an excuse. Year after year, one reason after another. Truth be told....apparently he didn't want kids. Never actually. Broken promises. I am resentful. I hate him for taking that one thing away from me. Wasted years. Are they wasted? I don't know. That sounds harsh. There was love there at some point I'm sure of it. If there wasn't, then it wouldn't hurt this bad.
I'm not sure really where I'm going with this. I know this. My mom wasn't here on this earth long enough to see me have children. She did however leave treasured items for us girls and the grandchildren. Even mine....assuming that one day we'd have them. A tote......a tote full of baby stuff for when I have a child someday. It's see through and I can see inside of it somewhat. A glass piggy bank full of change, something crocheted, a couple of rattles, a blanket and even a few bibs. I've had this tote since October 2006. I have yet to open it. I keep lugging it with me wherever I go. When I see it now... I can't help but to just see broken promises.
My friend asked me the other day "You can always change your mind?" I quickly texted back with "Nooooooooo" It was that quick too. I didn't even hesitate. It was then that I realized this was it. I didn't want to go back to where I was. I remembered what it was like to not be me. The real me. Nobody to hold me back any longer.
But why so bitter? I am so bitter that it kills me inside. Broken promises you see. Thirteen years ago I went into a relationship with someone I thought I knew very well. We discussed the typical things that you do when you're dating, you know...you talk about your dreams, your plans for the future, etc? Where you see yourself in 10 years, those sort of things. Apparently I learned many years later that our dreams and plans for the future were much different.
The point is, I wanted kids. He wanted kids. Plain and simple. It was a never ending battle of when and timing etc. There was always an excuse. Year after year, one reason after another. Truth be told....apparently he didn't want kids. Never actually. Broken promises. I am resentful. I hate him for taking that one thing away from me. Wasted years. Are they wasted? I don't know. That sounds harsh. There was love there at some point I'm sure of it. If there wasn't, then it wouldn't hurt this bad.
I'm not sure really where I'm going with this. I know this. My mom wasn't here on this earth long enough to see me have children. She did however leave treasured items for us girls and the grandchildren. Even mine....assuming that one day we'd have them. A tote......a tote full of baby stuff for when I have a child someday. It's see through and I can see inside of it somewhat. A glass piggy bank full of change, something crocheted, a couple of rattles, a blanket and even a few bibs. I've had this tote since October 2006. I have yet to open it. I keep lugging it with me wherever I go. When I see it now... I can't help but to just see broken promises.
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