7 weeks until Tough Mudder if my calculations are correct and I think being scared shitless is an understatement.  I'm hoping that by having a team of 55 on Team eXtreme (...and quite possibly still growing) I can kind of slip through the cracks and not be seen....by anyone.  Do you think that can happen?  Ha!  Probably not.

I've been rethinking these so called goals I keep making for myself.  I'm thinking about things that I want to accomplish and not just in a fitness aspect but in life in general.  I think something that constantly holds me back is fear.  Not fear from my own mind, but fear of what everyone else is going to think.  When I initially signed up for Tough Mudder I knew that it was a big challenge and I thought I have 8 months to prepare and now it's 7 weeks away and I'm not remotely close to where I want to be.  Mind you, I moved out and got a divorce in that time frame so I try not to beat myself up about that...but my point is why does it bother me so much to worry about what other people are going to say?

It happened again recently when I decided to sign up for a 1/2 marathon which will be in Denver, CO on 10/20/2013 for those of you wanting to know.  I signed up for multiple reasons and I'll tell you a few.

• I needed another goal after Tough Mudder
• I wanted to honor my mom and with her anniversary of her death being 10/24 I couldn't think of a better way
• I want to continue to challenge myself
• I wanted to accomplish something bigger and couldn't think of a better group of friends to do it with

There are plenty of other reasons too I'm sure, but I sat on the fence about signing up for this for weeks.  Questioning my own personal reasons for doing it, but then found myself questioning what others were going to say.  "That's a bit extreme don't you think?"  "Perhaps you should wait until you lose more weight."  "Remember that you have to do what's right for you and your body."  Etc.  You get my drift.  I've heard it before, trust me and honestly it's like a slap in the face.  Sometimes people genuinely do care and don't want to see you set yourself up for failure and I totally understand that...I do...but I also try to tell myself that I can't sit back on the sidelines and watch while everyone else continues their journey just because I'm worried about what people will think. I eventually signed up because my good friends just said "stop seeking approval and live for you"


This is what I know....I know I will not be physically capable of doing every obstacle at Tough Mudder - Chicago.  I'm fully aware of that.  I also know that there is the possibility that I may not be able to run a 1/2 marathon come October.  I might have to stop in the middle of that as well.  Here is how I FEEL though.  I feel like if we don't push ourselves into trying new things then what kind of life are we really living? I think my spirit alone is enough strength to get me through it.  I've sat back for 12 years and done nothing for ME.  12 years of doing everything for someone else and I have to tell you, it's not fun.  So for once in my life I've decided that I alone have choices to make and goals to meet.  I also feel that opportunities arise for many reasons in life and  I need to reach my hand out and grab them.  Here's the thing..I think anyone should. Why do we have to question whether or not we can do it?  You won't know until you TRY! 

So I'm most definitely looking forward to training for my 1/2 marathon and seeing the training plan from Angela. I look forward to the next 6 weeks of Springtime and preparing for Tough Mudder to the best of my capabilities.  I know that I'm going to give both of these adventures 100% because that's what I do...and then at least when it's all said and done, I can either say I finished it...or I died trying.  Figuratively speaking of course.  ;-)  I really don't want to die.  

With that being said here are 3 things that I'm looking forward to in the upcoming 6 months of my fresh start on life as being back to Melissa Ann Draper.

1. May 18th, 2013 - Tough Mudder - Chicago
2. June 21st -23rd - Dave Matthews Band - Indianapolis
3. October 20th, 2013 - Rock-N-Roll 1/2 Marathon - Denver

I really need to quit comparing myself to other people. As I'm approaching my year anniversary of being at FXB I'm disappointed in myself for not pushing harder.  A year later and I'm down 50 pounds. I'd like to have seen that # be sooooo much more. I know that it could have been, had I given it 100% and not 99%.  I'm not progressing fast enough to my liking.  I keep hitting road blocks and most of them are in my head, other times not so much.  I often catch myself thinking, I'm just not built to be skinny.  I have broad shoulders, I have big bones, I'm not made up to be that skeletal structure and I have to accept that.  Truth is, I don't want to be skinny. I just want to be fit.  I want to see muscle definition, I want to not feel like a bowl full of jello when I'm doing jumping jacks in a room full of people. 

When I ran at Young Arena last week I was off to the side doing dips from this bench.  An older  gentleman  had just gotten there and was stretching out.  We made eye contact but I just say hi as I was listening to my iPhone.   A few minutes later I took them off and we struck up a conversation.  He talked about his fitness level at his age, how he had to back off from running and now he just walks. We talked about his wife and kids.  We talked about my journey and and what got me to start working out.  We talked about my dog (imagine that), and we even touched on the topic of Tough Mudder.  It was then that he said something that stuck.  "You will get where you want to be, it will take time but you have determination.  I watched you do laps, I watched you do stairs and you did it all on your own, and most importantly you didn't look discouraged when that smaller girl was doing it right next to you."  Wait. What?  I immediately stopped and interrupted and said, "What do you mean?  I didn't see anyone next to me?"  His response. "That's my point.  She was on the other side of you and you didn't even notice."  I thought long and hard about this for quite some time. We finished up our conversation with actually introducing ourselves.  I told him my name was Melissa and he said, small world, my name is Mel..and as we shook hands he said "Keep doing what you're doing, your smile lights up this room. Have a blessed day!"  

I keep having to come back to that 10 minute conversation.  I need the reminder that I'm doing the best that I can do.  That's all that matters.  It's just hard to feel good about what you've accomplished when I look at other friends and what level they are at....a lot of them moving on from FXB and I'm still pushing along wondering if I'll ever get where I want to be. I don't even know where I want to be...but I loathe for the day that I can be okay with where I'm at.  Where I won't look in the mirror and say "You are so fat."  I'm so far from that point in my life and it saddens me that I even think that way at times. I know there is much more to me than the fat rolls....hopefully soon I'll see myself for something more.  
P.S. In case you are wondering it's two months and 10 days until Tough Mudder Chicago!!!  #FREAKINGOUT