If you haven't read the book "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein that is something you  need to do.  I actually listened to it on my iPod via my car on my way to and from work a couple years back.  The book is about a dog named Enzo who is watching his masters wife battle cancer, learning about his master Denny who is a race car driver, as well as love, loyalty and hope. After listening to such an awesome book I wanted to know what my dog was thinking.  There he is above you...yep, that little furry guy with a huge smile was Buckley. My forever friend. 

You're looking at the first picture I ever took of him below and the first time I ever met him.  July 2nd, 2003.  He was 6 months old and I was worried he'd turn into this massive dog because his paws were very large....and there I am holding him for the first time.  LOOK AT THAT FACE!!! Oh my goodness as you could see there was no way I was NOT adopting him.  BTW: you may find it humorous that his given name at this Humane Society was "Hummer".  Nope - not happening..so we named him Buckley after a singer named Jeff Buckley.  

Buckley was a ray of sunshine in anyone's day.  I had many wonderful years with him.  I remember bringing him home and he was afraid of everything.  The vaccuum, the guitar, the blow dryer and I just laughed.  He was so quiet and laid back that for awhile I almost thought he was deaf because I never heard him bark.  Turns out he was just a "go with the flow" kind of fella. Well behaved and so smart.  I was instantly attached to him, I mean how could you not.  His face was the most precious thing I've ever seen.  

That above quote - I felt that way about Buckley at times.  That quote is Enzo speaking in the book.  Crack me up......but seriously Buckley was almost human in my eyes.  He had the most sincere look on his face at all times. He had personality.  Someone told me that once by just looking at a picture.  They had never met him but said "I know for certain, *that* dog has personality!"  There's really just something about coming home to such an amazing animal.  They don't judge, they love you unconditionally, all they want is your love and affection and to maybe throw the ball a few times here and there.  His soul was big and he loved everyone he met and I'm fairly confident they felt the same.  Buckley was super smart too.....he picked up tricks faster than I thought possible.  He could:

1. Sit
2. Lay down
3. Fetch
4. roll over
5. high five
6. shake
7. turn around
8. speak
9. sneeze  (yes, this dog could sneeze on command and it was fabulous)

I could sit here and write about 9 1/2 years of my life with Buckley and what all it entailed but it would take me forever. He has been there for me through some exciting times and lately some of the most emotional times. In fact, I'm almost 100% certain that he was put on this earth to be by my side long enough to almost be happy again before his time here was done.  He was there for me through all of my highs and lows thus far:

• my wedding
• moving to a new home
• the death of my mom
• a death scare for myself
• a new journey
• a separation
• my divorce

Those are some pretty big events not to mention all the little ones along the way.  If you had the chance to know him you were pretty much blessed...but really, he was the joy of my life and for those of you who don't know what I went through to get him back, let me tell you, it was worth it to have him the last few months of his life.  He meant everything to me and my life will never be the same without him.  I miss his grinch toes that would get out of control when needing groomed, his sweet brown eyes, his soft baby like fur on the top of his head, the constant sighs when he laid down, his constant affection, his joy of life, his happiness to meet me at the door each and every day for almost the past 10 years.  There's nothing else like it in my books.  My world will never be the same. He wasn't just a dog, he was family.  He was my best friend.  

Below is a  link to a video I made of Buckley a few years back.  I hope it shows you just how beautiful of a dog he truly was.  

Buckley 

7 weeks until Tough Mudder if my calculations are correct and I think being scared shitless is an understatement.  I'm hoping that by having a team of 55 on Team eXtreme (...and quite possibly still growing) I can kind of slip through the cracks and not be seen....by anyone.  Do you think that can happen?  Ha!  Probably not.

I've been rethinking these so called goals I keep making for myself.  I'm thinking about things that I want to accomplish and not just in a fitness aspect but in life in general.  I think something that constantly holds me back is fear.  Not fear from my own mind, but fear of what everyone else is going to think.  When I initially signed up for Tough Mudder I knew that it was a big challenge and I thought I have 8 months to prepare and now it's 7 weeks away and I'm not remotely close to where I want to be.  Mind you, I moved out and got a divorce in that time frame so I try not to beat myself up about that...but my point is why does it bother me so much to worry about what other people are going to say?

It happened again recently when I decided to sign up for a 1/2 marathon which will be in Denver, CO on 10/20/2013 for those of you wanting to know.  I signed up for multiple reasons and I'll tell you a few.

• I needed another goal after Tough Mudder
• I wanted to honor my mom and with her anniversary of her death being 10/24 I couldn't think of a better way
• I want to continue to challenge myself
• I wanted to accomplish something bigger and couldn't think of a better group of friends to do it with

There are plenty of other reasons too I'm sure, but I sat on the fence about signing up for this for weeks.  Questioning my own personal reasons for doing it, but then found myself questioning what others were going to say.  "That's a bit extreme don't you think?"  "Perhaps you should wait until you lose more weight."  "Remember that you have to do what's right for you and your body."  Etc.  You get my drift.  I've heard it before, trust me and honestly it's like a slap in the face.  Sometimes people genuinely do care and don't want to see you set yourself up for failure and I totally understand that...I do...but I also try to tell myself that I can't sit back on the sidelines and watch while everyone else continues their journey just because I'm worried about what people will think. I eventually signed up because my good friends just said "stop seeking approval and live for you"


This is what I know....I know I will not be physically capable of doing every obstacle at Tough Mudder - Chicago.  I'm fully aware of that.  I also know that there is the possibility that I may not be able to run a 1/2 marathon come October.  I might have to stop in the middle of that as well.  Here is how I FEEL though.  I feel like if we don't push ourselves into trying new things then what kind of life are we really living? I think my spirit alone is enough strength to get me through it.  I've sat back for 12 years and done nothing for ME.  12 years of doing everything for someone else and I have to tell you, it's not fun.  So for once in my life I've decided that I alone have choices to make and goals to meet.  I also feel that opportunities arise for many reasons in life and  I need to reach my hand out and grab them.  Here's the thing..I think anyone should. Why do we have to question whether or not we can do it?  You won't know until you TRY! 

So I'm most definitely looking forward to training for my 1/2 marathon and seeing the training plan from Angela. I look forward to the next 6 weeks of Springtime and preparing for Tough Mudder to the best of my capabilities.  I know that I'm going to give both of these adventures 100% because that's what I do...and then at least when it's all said and done, I can either say I finished it...or I died trying.  Figuratively speaking of course.  ;-)  I really don't want to die.  

With that being said here are 3 things that I'm looking forward to in the upcoming 6 months of my fresh start on life as being back to Melissa Ann Draper.

1. May 18th, 2013 - Tough Mudder - Chicago
2. June 21st -23rd - Dave Matthews Band - Indianapolis
3. October 20th, 2013 - Rock-N-Roll 1/2 Marathon - Denver

I really need to quit comparing myself to other people. As I'm approaching my year anniversary of being at FXB I'm disappointed in myself for not pushing harder.  A year later and I'm down 50 pounds. I'd like to have seen that # be sooooo much more. I know that it could have been, had I given it 100% and not 99%.  I'm not progressing fast enough to my liking.  I keep hitting road blocks and most of them are in my head, other times not so much.  I often catch myself thinking, I'm just not built to be skinny.  I have broad shoulders, I have big bones, I'm not made up to be that skeletal structure and I have to accept that.  Truth is, I don't want to be skinny. I just want to be fit.  I want to see muscle definition, I want to not feel like a bowl full of jello when I'm doing jumping jacks in a room full of people. 

When I ran at Young Arena last week I was off to the side doing dips from this bench.  An older  gentleman  had just gotten there and was stretching out.  We made eye contact but I just say hi as I was listening to my iPhone.   A few minutes later I took them off and we struck up a conversation.  He talked about his fitness level at his age, how he had to back off from running and now he just walks. We talked about his wife and kids.  We talked about my journey and and what got me to start working out.  We talked about my dog (imagine that), and we even touched on the topic of Tough Mudder.  It was then that he said something that stuck.  "You will get where you want to be, it will take time but you have determination.  I watched you do laps, I watched you do stairs and you did it all on your own, and most importantly you didn't look discouraged when that smaller girl was doing it right next to you."  Wait. What?  I immediately stopped and interrupted and said, "What do you mean?  I didn't see anyone next to me?"  His response. "That's my point.  She was on the other side of you and you didn't even notice."  I thought long and hard about this for quite some time. We finished up our conversation with actually introducing ourselves.  I told him my name was Melissa and he said, small world, my name is Mel..and as we shook hands he said "Keep doing what you're doing, your smile lights up this room. Have a blessed day!"  

I keep having to come back to that 10 minute conversation.  I need the reminder that I'm doing the best that I can do.  That's all that matters.  It's just hard to feel good about what you've accomplished when I look at other friends and what level they are at....a lot of them moving on from FXB and I'm still pushing along wondering if I'll ever get where I want to be. I don't even know where I want to be...but I loathe for the day that I can be okay with where I'm at.  Where I won't look in the mirror and say "You are so fat."  I'm so far from that point in my life and it saddens me that I even think that way at times. I know there is much more to me than the fat rolls....hopefully soon I'll see myself for something more.  
P.S. In case you are wondering it's two months and 10 days until Tough Mudder Chicago!!!  #FREAKINGOUT

My brain is on overload. My body is on overload.  Do you feel like at times you could potentially pass out for a good week without waking up?  That's how I feel right now.

I'm feeling guilty for not giving enough time to my family.......I feel like I barely have time for myself let alone anything else.  It's a good thing to be occupied because it's keeping my mind off a lot of other things but I could potentially be overdoing it.  

This is a rundown of a day in my life right now.  I'm just picking a random day to give you a general idea of why you potentially may not be able to get a hold of me.

Thursday:
4:50 a.m. Wake up
6:00 a.m. FXB (must get my workout in)
7:00 a.m. Young Arena (run with Kyra)
8:00 a.m. Get ready for work at Farmers
9:00 - 5:00 work at Farmers
5:00 - go home let Buckley out
5:30 - 9pm - go to work at Lincoln Savings Bank
9:00 GO HOME and start OVER!!!!

I'm not asking people to feel sorry for me.  I need the extra money and I don't mind doing the work.  The simple fact is that I'm tired.  I'm extremely exhausted and don't have time to get back to everyone that I want during the day.  I do my best and that's all I can do.  

So for now, I'm going to break down my schedule for you.  Monday - Sunday.  Ready. Set. Go.

Growing up I was the sweet one.  The caring one, the one that loved everybody and did everything for everyone that I could.  I didn't speak my  mind, I'd let people walk all over me.   I basically never stood my ground.  I'd have my closest friends yell at me and tell me continuously to be more firm.  To not always do what people ask and it's okay to say "No" or tell them how you're feeling.  

Evidently that never changed with time.  I tried to get better about expressing my feelings and I was always good about expressing the positives, but when it came to the negatives I would hold it in.  Let's be honest, nobody wants to hear negativity.  Ever.  This tends to get me into trouble most of the time.  I feel as though when I do speak my mind I get nowhere fast.  People don't expect that to come from me.  When I worked at my old job, my friend Shay would call me out all the time.  She'd say "Damn it Melissa, quit being a wet noodle!!"  A wet noodle?  I wasn't sure what she meant at the time but I quickly learned.

Believe it or not I think me being a wet noodle was a game changer in my marriage. 12 years of not saying how I felt = exhausting.  So in retrospect, it's hard to blame only him.  He was good about sharing his feelings, just not in the most kind way, where I was better about holding them in....for a very long time.  Here's my advice.  Don't do that.  It's not healthy, it's not good for you and it will eat away at you like you would not believe. 


I've been better about what I say.  I've learned to hold back when needed and try to speak out when I want to be heard.  You know that saying "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all"  sometimes I want to call "BS" to that.  I think you can say something to someone and have it not be nice per-say but be tactful about it.  You don't have be rude.  My point of this rant is from an experience today.  It went something like this:

6am Kickboxing class with 30 + in the room.  An instructor yelling out combinations left and right....jab, cross, right hook, two burpee's in between....etc.  If you don't know what a burpee is...let me enlighten you.

Fun right?  Ha!  For the record mine don't look near as pretty...but I'll take what I can get considering I couldn't even do one a year ago.  Anyways, as I was saying, during class there was a time when a lot of us weren't getting a combination right and the instructor was frustrated and yelled out at us "You guys are frustrating me!" and I thought to myself.  Whoah.  Did she just say that?  I mean really?  Did that just come out of her mouth? I get it, people weren't doing it right, but cut us some slack, we had been doing burpees up the wazoo endlessly and people were tired.  That pissed me off. Needless to say, I opened my mouth and posted something in our FXB peeps page about it.  It was mostly in regards to the fact that I didn't think it was necessary to call us out like that in class.  It didn't want to make me push myself to my level 10.  Instead it made me want to get up and quit and to tell her to shove it where the sun don't shine.  (for the record, I didn't write that).  I wrote it without thinking and posted it and carried on with my day.  Then after a few comments which made sense I made the decision to take it down.  I removed what I said but then my phone blew up and people asked why I took it down.  Do you know the answer?  Oh yes.  Because I am still a WET FREAKING NOODLE my friends!  I mean seriously.  Even when I want to say how I feel, I say it and then take it back.  

Today was full of frustrations let me tell you.  Some people were like this page is a place for positive feedback etc. and I get that....however, I also feel like when we are out on the mat busting our ass daily, that we should also have nothing but positive feedback there as well.  It could have been said in a more "tactful" way then "You're frustrating me". Again it's just my opinion. A  couple of things people wrote to me outside of that via text were things like:

-"Just don't let others push you around girl - be you"

-"It was well written and you were speaking your voice.  Don't ever compromise your experience...your reality or your voice for ANYONE!"

-"You need to speak your mind and quit worrying about being nice, within reason, speaking your mind is needed at times"

Ok enough of my rant.  My point of all of this is that we need to learn that it's okay to speak your mind. I guess when I say "we" I mean "I".  I need to learn that it's okay to express how you're feeling about a situation or an incident and not hold back. It doesn't make me a mean person and it most definitely shouldn't change anyone's point of view of the type of person that I am.  People expect me to keep my mouth shut, to not say anything when things should be said!  Perhaps I said something for once that a lot of other people wanted to, but didn't know how to approach it.  I guess we'll never know.

A signature from a judge.  That is what I'm waiting on.  A simple piece of paper that says I am no longer married to whom once was the love of my life.  Sad how easy it is to end something that was supposed to last forever.  

My friend asked me the other day "You can always change your mind?"  I quickly texted back with "Nooooooooo"  It was that quick too.  I didn't even hesitate.  It was then that I realized this was it.  I didn't want to go back to where I was.  I remembered what it was like to not be me.  The real me.  Nobody to hold me back any longer.

But why so bitter?  I am so bitter that it kills me inside.  Broken promises you see.  Thirteen years ago I went into a relationship with someone I thought I knew very well.  We discussed the typical things that you do when you're dating, you know...you talk about your dreams, your plans for the future, etc?  Where you see yourself in 10 years, those sort of things.  Apparently I learned many years later that our dreams and plans for the future were much different.

The point is, I wanted kids.  He wanted kids.  Plain and simple.  It was a never ending battle of when and timing etc.  There was always an excuse.  Year after year, one reason after another.  Truth be told....apparently he didn't want kids.  Never actually.  Broken promises.  I am resentful.  I hate him for taking that one thing away from me.  Wasted years.  Are they wasted?  I don't know.  That sounds harsh.  There was love there at some point I'm sure of it.  If there wasn't, then it wouldn't hurt this bad.

I'm not sure really where I'm going with this.  I know this.  My mom wasn't here on this earth long enough to see me have children.  She did however leave treasured items for us girls and the grandchildren.  Even mine....assuming that one day we'd have them.  A tote......a tote full of baby stuff for when I have a child someday.  It's see through and I can see inside of it somewhat.  A glass piggy bank full of change, something crocheted, a couple of rattles, a blanket and even a few bibs.  I've had this tote since October 2006.  I have yet to open it.  I keep lugging it with me wherever I go.   When I see it now... I can't help but to just see broken promises.


 

With my divorce coming to an end rather quickly I'm having second thoughts as to if I want to go back to my maiden name....you would think it would be simple.  Get divorced, drop the married name to move on with your life and get back to your old name.  ...yada, yada, yada.  Here's the tricky part...I'm not sure I want to go back to "Draper" either.  Why you ask? Well let me tell you without going into a ton of details.  

My dad and I don't talk.  We haven't spoken in almost 13 years. I don't talk to anyone on that side of my family actually.  I don't even know where half of them are.  The name "Draper" can bring back some memories that I choose not to relive.  My dad did some things that are really quit disturbing and it's almost like giving him that part of his self worth back if I take his name again. I know it sounds weird or maybe it doesn't.  It's a feeling I have...like "you don't deserve to have your daughter have your name again, you buried that hatchet a long time ago" sort of thing.  

Then obviously with "Bicket" I don't want that name either.  I don't want a constant reminder of who I married and who I divorced.  Had we had children then perhaps it would be different. I'd want the same name as my kids but we don't so scratch that.  I also don't want the "oh which Bicket do you belong to?" question 100 times a year. Trust me. It happens.  

This is all leading up to a conversation I had with one of my best friends Melissa. Yes, even this Melissa has a nickname. I call her Mel #1. Growing up in high school she was typically Mel #1 because she was born before me, I was Mel #2 and well since we have the same middle names too (Ann) it was easier to just distinguish us that way. Mark aka "Funky Bunch" nicknamed her "Fruitchew" to go along with my "Starburst"  HA!  Ok, kind of off topic I know.  Back to what I was saying. I jokingly had told her about a month ago that I was going to change my last name completely to Porter. In fact, I told another friend that too, but I was kind of being silly about it....then Melissa says to me this weekend. You know, I put "Draper" back in my phone instead of "Bicket" and I didn't like it so I moved it back.  I'm now testing out "Porter" and I kind of like it.  Oh geez.........

As I'm sitting at work today I decide to check my gmail account...and as much to my surprise an email had came in from Tough Mudder (TM). I had been waiting in anticipation as to when we would find out exactly where TM will be held.  We knew it was going to be near Chicago but we didn't have a definite location until now....

Subject line: Chicago 2013 Tough Mudder Venue Announcement.  

Where might you ask? 

Seneca Hunt Club
1 West Union Street
Seneca, IL 51360 
Click here if you want to see a map

Wait...let's back up a minute.  Back in September of 2012 I ventured out to Cascade, Wisconsin with Team X-treme to take photos of this crazy adventure and man oh man did we have some good times.  I have never felt such a sense of teamwork and camaraderie in a group.  It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it all over again.  I got to spend an entire weekend with people that inspire me, motivate me, who are my friends, and people that I love.

Luckily for me that whole weekend was a huge eye opener for me.  I think I had a few breakthroughs about my own personal life while I was out there on this trip.  In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it might have been a life changer for me and I didn't even partake in the obstacles.  I think I had my own obstacles to overcome....and really I'm not sure if I could have done that had I not taken this journey.  I would say short of watching this awesome team tackle some crazy things, spending that day with Mark and taking care of Juan and Angela's little girl Isabella was one of my highlights of the trip.  

There are plenty of photos from that TM that would take up this entire blog and then some but one of my favorites is above. Yes - that one.  There you will see a group of guys helping their fellow teammates out and those facial expressions should really say it all.....

Anyways... now that I've cleared up a little bit about where I was going with this post I'll get back to it.  I don't think that it had really set in yet that I was doing Tough Mudder - Chicago.  I mean, yes, I registered, way back this Fall and I knew what I was getting myself into....or did I?  I think today when I saw the "actual" spot on a map I suddenly lost those goosebumps and got butterflies in my stomach.  Lots and lots of butterflies.  It's January 16th people.  That means I have exactly 4 months and 2 days to... well....pretty much be amazing.  I don't even know if that is feasible at this point and I'm starting to freak out a little.  Ok. Not a little.  A lot.  I'm starting to FREAK OUT A LOT!!!  Can I do this?  Will I do this? Again...WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?  Is 4 months enough time for me to be physically ready to tackle a 12 mile obstacle course?!?!?  Just in case I wasn't clear on what exactly Tough Mudder is....take a look below at the video from the Wisconsin event that Team X-Treme was at.

Crazy right?!?!?!  Yeah I'm thinking that as well....oh did I mention that it's probably the toughest event on the planet?  Well it kind of might be....YIKES!

to be continued...............

I know....it's a quote.  Imagine that?  I'm sure there are a lot of you that often wonder why I post as many sappy posts on Facebook as I do and honestly, I wish I had a better answer but truth be told....it's a way of healing for me.  There are times when I don't know how to express exactly what's on my mind and I find that others can say exactly what I want but in a much more direct route. See?!  Look how long it took me to just explain that.....jeepers.

I'm already sidetracked as to what this post was about.  Oh yes - I remember....this past Saturday in between my workout and testing for the next 10 week Farrell's group I was approached by Keith a fellow FXB'er.  At first it started as general conversation as to "hey, how have you been etc.?" but quickly turned to Keith giving me some of the most sweetest compliments that made my heart melt.  You see, I really haven't had many "fatherly" figures in my life ...considering I haven't spoken to my own father in nearly 13 years, so I tend to listen more when I have people such as Keith talking to me or giving me words of encouragement.  It wasn't like this whole long list of things about me that he loved, it was a simple comment about how he tells people about me all the time.  About how I come through the doors day in and day out and push myself to every level I possibly can and that nobody is there to judge...and as I slowly move from the back row on occasion he sees a sense of confidence.   He says "You know Melissa, I see your pictures on Facebook, you are beautiful, just beautiful and you have a smile that lights up a room.  I just love that about ya."  I mean I'm not sure I can get much more of a confidence boost then I did at that exact moment in time.

Here's the funny thing though, if you know Keith at all you know that he can be quite the jokester.  Trust me on this, don't let the "sweetness" fool you.  If you ever catch him around on Facebook he's usually picking on Mark. AKA Funky Bunch.  :)

Point of my post is that I ran across this quote on more than one occasion, and it's people like Keith that remind me that I'm doing exactly as this quote says..."surround yourself with positive and inspiring people and reap the rewards of a more positive and inspiring life."  Isn't that the truth?